"- Bill Hicks (submitted by Ryan)
You can‘t get bitter man. Just because someone tells you that they love you, and then they leave. You gotta think there‘s a reason. You‘ve gotta find a bright side. You‘ve gotta move on after they leave. I’m glad she left. It helped my career. Because I’m driven now. I’m driven by a fantasy.
A fantasy that one day this girl who I loved more than anything in the world - and she said she loved me - then left, that one day she’s going to be living somewhere, in a trailer park, living with this ex-welder, 600 pounds, fur all over his back, drinks beer, farts, belches, beats the kids, watches the Dukes Of Hazzard every night - and has to have it explained to him.
One night that welder’s going to be making love to her, he‘s going to be on top, suddenly his heart’s going to explode and she‘s going to be trapped under 600 pounds of flaccid, fish belly cellulite, shifting like the tides of the oceans, as blood, phlegm and bile pour out of his mouth and nose, into her face, and just before she drowns in that tepid puddle of afterbirth, she‘s going to turn to The Tonight Show on TV:
And I‘m going to be on it."